On What Hillary Meant To Me

Let’s get one thing straight. I think anyone who can honestly look themselves in the mirror and say, without any trace of irony, that they think they are the best person to be President of the United States, by definition, kind of has to be a sycophantic asshole. American politics being what they are, I think it just really takes a supremely self-involved, pompous panderer to make it through a full campaign season, especially this one.

I also want to say straight out that I will vote Obama/Biden come November. Unequivocally.

All those caveats aside, however, after Hillary’s speech at the DNC last night, I found myself on my couch sobbing. And I don’t mean graceful little tears gently trickling down my cheeks. I mean great big heaving, blubbering sobs of frustration and defeat. Sure, I voted for her in the primary but alone in my apartment, even I thought I was being a bit melodramatic. At the same time, I couldn’t stop myself. I probably cried for an hour.

So what was all this about anyway?

This may come out kind of cheesy, so just bear with me. Basically, thanks to that episode of Sex and The City when Miranda compares Big and Carrie to Hubble and Katie, the characters in The Way We Were, I have borrowed the analogy as an apt metaphor for my own life, and many of my own struggles.

In the movie, Hubble (Robert Redford) is a real campus all around. The kind of good-looking guy to whom pretty much everything comes easily- sports, friends, women, and everything else. He also happens to have a natural talent for the written word. But in spite of all these gifts, he lacks a certain depth of character. He has no quirks or hard edges. Nothing about him either offends, nor endears- at least not on any deep level. Katie (Barbara Streisand), on the other hand, is hard working, earnest and passionate to a fault. She’s the sort of somewhat annoying person who actually commits herself to causes, with a capital C; the sort of woman who has wild, untamable hair, and a slightly disheveled appearance. She cares deeply about things, and can never quite let them go, least of all for the sake of social propriety. She’s irritating in her passions, but ultimately she proves herself to be much more substantial than he.

In the movie- even though Katie can be trying to a cringe-worthy degree, I nevertheless identify with her. Like her, I too have been blessed (or cursed) with a Jewfro of hair. Like her, I have been known to take on causes and work hard for things that I believe. And also like Katie, I have been accused on many occasions of being too passionate, too outspoken, and all together too much for other people’s comfort. The result being that I have struggled with myself, wishing and trying to be some other girl- one who would fit neatly into a world made for affable, easy-going Hubble-type people.

But like Katie, most of the time I just can’t keep my true nature from coming to the surface. Although I have tried hard, something always happens, some horrible comment, some terrible action, and I find myself speaking up, and defending my ideas. Invariably, the rest of the room goes quiet and I know I’ve done it again. In my passion to say what I think, I’ve inadvertently stepped over some line I can never seem to see, made other people uncomfortable, and ruined the party.

And that is sort of how I feel about Hilary. I don’t like her per se, but the reasons she makes me uncomfortable are because her awkwardness, at times, cuts a little too close to the bone. She is not pretty, and let’s be honest- the orange suit and red lipstick didn’t do her any favors. At times she laughs like a witch, or says things that are wrong, misplaced, hypocritical, or just uncouth.

But the thing is, at the heart of it, she is a deeply intelligent woman, believes strongly in causes that I think are important, and she is earnest and hard working. But she is not popular with the cool kids. She is the nerdy girl, and she is not adept at playing the game of being liked. She is like me. She is a Katie.

Barak Obama, on the other hand, is a Hubble. He is a gifted speech-maker, and he is someone with the grace and easy manner that puts a room at ease. He always says the right thing and never makes people uncomfortable. He is popular with the cool kids. But I can’t help thinking that things have just come a little too easily for him.

So when I voted for Hilary in the primary, it was a vote for every person who has ever put their foot in their mouth, or ever said what they thought, despite the consequences. It was also a vote for every girl whose been told, through word or look, that she is too smart to be lady like, or too smart to date. It was a vote for everyone who kept on being themselves, and for every person who ever chose the hard road, rather than the road of least resistance. It was a vote for hard work, rather than luck. It was a vote for me.

I understand that right now America’s spirit and image in the world are probably more in need of affable and soothing leadership. The kind only a true Hubble can deliver. That is why I will vote for Obama and why I think, in some ways, at this place and time in history, it is right that he won the nomination.

At the same time, I wept last night because, just once, I wanted Katie to be popular. I wanted her to win.